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interview by: Nick Weidenfeld I think we should begin by dispensing the rumors and getting things
straight. What's the difference between a midget and a dwarf?
I'm glad you asked that. Dwarfs are bizarre, grotesque creatures with short
life spans, tiny little legs, large heads and big trunks. Midgets are
properly proportioned little humans.
Well, I think gnomes are magical little things. They're not real. OK. So, if dwarfs are ill proportioned. Is there ever any scientific case where rather than a big head or big arms, a dwarf was born with amazingly large genitals? Is that the case with you? Absolutely. It's cool that you pointed that out so I didn't have to say it for you. I'm glad that you mentioned it. How many dwarfs are there? Kid Rock! Kid Rock was doing songs with Too Short way back in the day. The early 80's even. That cats been around, he's not overnight. How much do you think Fred had to pay Method Man to pop up on his album? Seven. That few. Interesting. I thought there were a lot more. Do you guys get in fights with midgets? No. Midgets wouldn't want to fuck with us. You know what I'm saying. We don't have problems with them. They wouldn't want to fuck around. That's good. I think that all little people all over the world should unite. Absolutely. It's horrible that you all don't have rights and that real people make fun of you. Yeah. I consider myself a spokesman for little people's rights. And from what I've heard little people includes little girls. Does that mean you've never even heard of the Dwarfs band? Wait, you're a band? I was told I was interviewing a group of dwarves. You see what I mean. No. What do you mean? (pause) That's typical. Why is that typical? (excruciatingly long pause) Sorry, did you say something. How many types of STD's do you think Lil' Kim has? She is probably pretty clean. It's the freakier ones that actually stay clean. It's the girls that don't know that get the shit. Umm, I asked how that was typical. Oh, sorry I lost my train of thought. OK. Then tell me something about the dwarfs. Tell you something about us? It's a band. What kind of music do you play? They didn't tell you anything about us? They didn't send you any records or anything like that? No. Maybe you should get some. Definitely. Will I enjoy your stuff. I don't know. I guess it depends what you like. (the pause is now not even funny, just uncomfortable) If you guys are old punk rock, then I think I've heard of you. (silence) Well, let's talk about little girls because I heard you love them. What's the youngest you've gone. One never wants to admit to a felony. Let's just assume this is hypothetical then for the readers and to make this interesting. You can make assumptions to your hearts content. What's the name of you magazine, anyway? While You Were Sleeping. Well, you must have been sleeping when you were playing our records. Talking out of your ass about "old punk rock." We're the kings of punk rock. OK. Let's talk about how you guys are "kings of punk rock." Now your getting close. Now, you're keeping me interested. So, who does the king of punk rock hang out with? What other bands want to hang out with you? Hanging out with other rock stars would entail hanging out with people with penis', and that¼s not interesting to me. What about Joan Jett. She doesn't have a penis. That might be interesting. Have you ever made it with a Dwarf girl? I never have. But I once met a cute dwarf girl? Do alto of dwarfs hang out at your shows? Sometimes. But they're all dwarf guys. Well, I guess that's all I got. Now, this is the part of the interview where I tell you to send me a copy of this interview and you say you will but then you act like a pussy and are afraid to send it. Sure, I'll send you one. I don't care. I was going to send it to your publicist anyway. No, no. Don't send one to him. Send one to me at the address on the back of the CD. I don't have the CD. -courtesy of "While You Were Sleeping" -end of interview |
